But that's really what I think it is.
Physical touch is one of the five love languages. It is a valid way of giving and receiving love, and it is not creepy for someone to prefer this language, whether they are male or female, old or young.
However, this is one love language where I see a huge difference in expression between those who rate this language first, to those who rate it second, third or fourth.
What I observe is generally, people whose primary love language is physical touch are often comfortable giving and receiving touch frequently, and from a large variety of people. They seem to be people who will brush you as they reach for something, give pats on the arm, massages and frequent hugs.
Many other people can easily get a reputation for not liking physical touch because they are uncomfortable with such frequent and free touch. While, yes, I'm talking about myself, I have spoken with heaps of other people who feel the same way. They value touch, and rate it (most often) second or third in their love-receiving preferences, but they say to them it is a particularly intimate and personal thing. They need to have established comfort and intimacy before they wish to receive love from others in this way. A touch from someone they do not trust may raise their defences; they may pull away from or avoid touch regularly. I think this qualifier of trust, comfort and intimacy is usually developed through the expression of their primary love language. When someone has fed into them through acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation or gifts, they already feel loved and are happy to express that love further through touch.
So, I guess, just because someone doesn't want to touch you a lot or right now, does not mean they don't value touch. When trust is established, they may actually feel like the connection you have is limited if it doesn't eventually involve touch! We need to be aware of how our friendships develop and realise that over time things change. It is natural, normal and an excellent thing for our relationships, including platonic relationships and even business relationships, to grow in intimacy over time.
Speaking of business relationships, my brother-in-law has been persuaded by my posts and wrote a blog himself on how the five love languages can help you gain the trust and loyalty of your clients! Why don't you check it out here: http://www.tipsforlawyers.com/5-love-languages-effective-marketing-youre-kidding-right/
What should I, as someone who values touch but doesn't feel comfortable with it in all situations, do to build love between myself and someone whose primary love language is touch, when I do not yet feel connected to them? Well, this is something I'd really love to get people comments and feedback on. In a sense, it feels selfish to me that I think "they have to love me in a way I understand before I will love them in a way they understand". Why should I receive before I give?
One thing that is a no-brainer for me is that certain touches are easier to give than others. For example, high-fives are awesome. I use them in my teaching studio regularly to affirm students who I think may value touch. When I have to touch my students to help them find their body alignment or breathing, I often do it with just my fingertips, not my whole hand, so that the touch is gentle, and I always ask permission! I wonder if some people actually find a kiss on the cheek as a greeting less confronting than a hug, because less of the body is in contact? And of course a side-hug can be easier to give than a full hug. So I think we can identify some ways to touch that may freak out those of us who are sensitive to it, a bit less.
Please share your tips on how to connect with a physical-touch-primary-receiver when it doesn't feel natural or easy for the giver by commenting below!
Love, Steph
