The power of life and death...

Yesterday morning, Boxing Day, as I was busily getting ready for my extended family to join us for our annual Christmas celebrations, I had to remind myself several times 'you have to stop and write a card for Claire'.

My cousin Claire and I have been close friends for a few years now. I had bought her a gift that I hoped fit her taste! (and met her requests), but it was difficult to wrap so I left it till last - till I had run out of gift cards. It was under the Christmas tree wrapped but with no card. With just enough time, I managed to convince my mum to give me a card from her special card-making-ideas stash and write a note - in the minute as my cousins, aunt and uncle arrived - without them seeing or wondering why I was taking too much time to come and greet them! You see, this card was important because Claire's primary love language is Words of Affirmation. 

For years, this love language was my lowest-valued. I had learned to take people's unkind remarks like water off a duck's back. I also often said my opinions in exaggerated ways for the theatre of it all, and had a "I didn't mean to hurt you, so it's your problem, not mine" approach to whenever I hurt others with my words. I would also withhold nice comments about people I loved dearly; I instead tried to show them, because actions did indeed speak louder than words to me. See how three common maxims led me so far astray, in my childhood through to my late teens.

The year I turned 19 a close friend began to withdraw from me. I was hurt that they didn't want to spend quality time with me, and because I was hurt, I withdrew from her too. It wasn't until more than a year of strain that everything came to light; I had incorrectly assumed her love language was physical touch, when it was words of affirmation; because of my uncomfortableness with affirming words, my left-handed, backwards and sarcastic compliments had not been understood and had actually been received as insults and attempts to assert my superiority; worst of all, on my part, there were many moments when my friend had hoped I would affirm and encourage her verbally, and I had been silent or even questioned her motives in my investigative manner. In a moment I let go of the "it's not my problem" philosophy and determined it was about time that I learned to speak the love-language of Words of Affirmation.

Since then I have done a lot of soul-searching and learning about love languages; that incident is the reason I am writing about them now: not as an expert but as someone who has failed royally in the past, and probably still does in the present from time to time. Something I learned to do is when I think nice thoughts about someone in my head, as I always have, I now make the effort to speak them out (sometimes in the form of an out-of-the-blue word or even text message, if I am away from the person at the time). I still feel uncomfortable using overly affectionate words or terminology. If I've ever given you "10 points" for something, or said you were "moderately awesome"... I hope you understand that is a serious complement! However, as much as it is hard, I make an effort to tell people who I love, that I love them, no matter what. Generally, I also make a more concerted effort to find out the primary love languages of my friends. I think knowing what makes them feel good is going to significantly help the friendship wheel go round.

And do you know what? I think since I began learning how to speak the language of Words of Affirmation to friends, I have actually grown to value it more myself! I think if I were to be really honest with myself, it is now my second-lowest, not my lowest! (Hehe). For example, a few months ago someone I highly respected gave me a wonderful compliment in front of a bunch of other people. I think I was buzzing for a few days! In the end, most words do not affect whether I feel loved or not, but, none of this has been about me. We need to speak the languages understood by people we love, not only the ones that come naturally to us.

Anyway, on a side note, I think it's interesting how love expressions can cross languages - a card with a nice note is obviously a word of affirmation, but also doubles as a gift (I have always valued written words higher than spoken ones, and I think this explains why). A quality conversation may also include statements that verbally affirm the people involved. Gary Chapman also notes (in a somewhat unexplained way) that people who value Gifts as a expression of love, often also value physical "presence" in addition to presents (haha, get it?) in tough times, which may seem like quality time to a love-language beginner (:the quality is actually not the issue here), or more accurately, an act of service (just a time-consuming, rather than physically demanding). Love expressions need not be interpreted through only one language-lens!

This blog has been a little more personal but I hope my experiences have inspired you to maybe go back and write a card for that person you gave a gift with no words this Christmas, or to say aloud some of the nice things you think. Letting go of ambiguous sarcastic complements was tough for me, but worth it. For some people, words actually speak louder than actions! And for those people, the biblical proverb rings doubly true: "The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit."

Comment below if you have thoughts of stories to share!

ModernLady xox

The gift of thoughtfulness

This is the second installment in my series on love languages!

As Christmas time is approaching, many of you may be wondering what gifts to give people for Christmas. Let me say I do not believe this is something we should take lightly because Gifts is one of the five love languages. It is a valid way of showing our love to people, and it is the main thing that contributes to some peoples' feeling loved and appreciated. I also know many people who rate gifts as their last preference for receiving love and what I have just said may seem alien to you. I think it is great for us to acknowledge how everyone is different, and how those differences are valid. It is also very important that we help those who we love and value to comprehend and receive the value we have for them.

A popular thing to do is to buy a donation to a charity and give the certificate as a gift. While these can be comical (I once gave someone manure for farming in a third world nation!) they can send the wrong message to someone who receives loves through gifts: that you don't know them or care about what they want and need. Also be careful about your motives for doing such things: are you subconsciously judging them as being materialistic or selfish and sticking it to them through this gift?

I think it is GREAT to be generous, especially at a time of year known for excess in the first world. But isn't it better to be generous out of our own money and sacrifice something of our comfort, rather than sacrificing something that could have been used to build up our friends and family? Remember, many people in our communities feel disconnected and unloved, perhaps contributing to, or at least not helping, existing mental health problems. 

If you truly believe your special someone doesn't need anything, a more thoughtful way to go about this might be to ask them (or find out covertly) what their favourite charity or cause is, and make a donation on their behalf towards something they are passionate about. If you simply don't know what to buy, watch and listen; there are clues in your everyday interactions. If you don't spend enough time with the person to have these opportunities, yet you are obliged to buy them a present, perhaps that's a sign that you should be more involved in their life? Swallow your pride and connect.

 In the end asking for gift suggestions isn't that bad either. You still get to be thoughtful in the process of the final selection (unless the request is too specific!) 

If the person you're buying for is a Quality Time primary love receiver, the best thing you can do is buy them an activity you can spend time doing together. 

To conclude, get to know the people in your life who primarily receive love through gifts. Your gift is a tangible expression of your feelings or value for them that will speak much louder than words.

(...funnily enough, the next topic!)

Lost in translation?

I've been soooo busy these last few months that I sadly have not written any blogs.

I'm sure I'll have something to write about food or fashion soon, but as Christmas is drawing near I thought it was timely to talk about love.

Love languages, a concept written about by Gary Chapman (in his multiple best-selling books), is a huge factor, or perhaps the only factor, that determines whether people feel loved. The number of friends a person has, what their family is like, or whether they are in a romantic relationship or not is all secondary; having people in your life who speak your love language is what really affects our feelings.

While I'm not going to try to summarise Chapman's extensive writing on the subject, if you don't know, the 5 languages are Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Not everybody feels loved through all these expressions. I suggest you pick up some of his books if this is all new to you. However, I do think a thing or two is missing from Chapman's books, and more to the point, a lot of information is missing from the basic information which is passed on by word of mouth only by people who may or may not have read the books.

I think a lot of the ins and outs of love languages get lost in translation! Tonight's re-translation is on Quality Time.

Chapman states for someone whose primary way of receiving love is quality time, it is the quality, the meaningfulness, the benefit, the depth of conversation or the enjoyment of the shared activity, that detetmines whether love is felt or not, hence the title of 'quality time' and not just 'time'

However, from my own experiences as someone whose primary love language is quality time, I find a short amount of time with a friend to be incredibly unsatisfying. When someone allocates me an hour between activities I feel like just another thing on their to-do list. And if I haven't seen someone for ages, I take a while to open up to them. I am aware that this might not be the most mature approach but I subconsciously gauge how much someone cares about me by whether they stick around for long enough for me to be forced to tell them something other than the mundane ins and outs of my week (and believe me, telling you what happened in my week or hearing about your activities doesn't do much for the quality of the time, either). 

And, it's not just me: I checked with other quality-time-primary-love-language-people too. The longer there is quality time, it's like the longer the love-tap is turned on, filling us up. I have an unsubstantiated theory that filling multiplies around the 3 hour mark. Or maybe it's that the love matures like a good bottle or red. Some brilliant metaphor definitely to illustrate my hypothesis. 

So, want to make your quality-time-speaking friend feel super loved this Christmas? Give them a chunk of your time longer than 2 hours. Or even a whole day. 10 minutes just doesn't cut it, no matter how hard you are trying.

I hope this information helps you understand and love on your friends a bit more.

Love, S

We all need a little love.

I have it in my mind to return to the topics from the last two blogs, as I confess I had an ulterior motive when writing them. (Oh, you're hooked now!) But I want to wander off a little bit.

First let me say that at the moment I would have probably over 10 close friends that I would do anything in the world for because they're both good people and good, loving friends.

But you know what? Break-ups are hard.
We all need a little love, and most of us are looking for a "more-than-friend". It's called that for a reason. When a possibility is taken away from us it hurts.

Recently I have twice attempted to comfort close friends in this situation, simply because I see the movies where friends eat ice cream together or whatnot when one of them has just broken up with someone, and I've been disappointed when nobody has been there for me.

Do we live in a society where we think they'll be ok without our intervention, or they'd rather be alone, or that we're not close enough friends to be any comfort, or do we just assume someone else will be there for them?

I don't know. But I answer this way:

They will be better if you are there.
They may want to be quiet but probably don't want to be alone. They were in a relationship because they liked having another person around.
Close friendships can be formed in times of trouble, and friends are let in when they have proven their reliability, unselfishness and love.
What if everybody else assumes someone else is doing the comforting?

Maybe this doesn't matter to you. But I have decided I want to be the person who is there.

The Juice volume 2: an idea and a risk!

I hope it's clear from the previous post that I think confusion is the main problem in the current state of dating affairs.

I have a tip for you that stops the confusion:
When you're asking someone on a date, use the word date!

You could say "would you like to go on a casual coffee date?" If you want to make it clear but keep the pressure off.

If you've already hung out lots but you think the other party may be confused about your intentions, say "I'd really like to take you out to dinner, on a date." (The formality of the date plans themselves can be used as a tool to keep it cool or really let the person know what importance you're putting on the relationship at whatever stage it's at)

Yes, this means they're less likely to say 'yes' just because they're polite and confused enough to think you might mean just friends and they don't want to make a scene, say no and then have you say "oh no I meant just as friends" (which you really just do to hedge your bets and lessen the rejection). That person didn't really like you anyway. Pretending it's just friends doesn't help.
The Wing Girls of YouTube fame say if someone turns you down, you should just be cool and say "I respect that. But you should think about it, because I think we'd make a great couple" and then leave them be to... Yep, actually think about it. How would you feel if someone said that to you? I know I'd have a whole lot of respect, and I'd definitively think about it more!

Instead, try taking the risk, use the word date and make it clear!

Let me know how that goes for you! Remember a rejection may not mean the technique didn't work.

The juice volume 1

Part 1 - let's get it together folks!

Relationships are on the minds of many of my friends, and yeah, my own mind too. It is a frequent topic of conversation. I have so many attractive, talented and kind single female friends that it's a bit crazy and we often discuss what we might be doing wrong! I also hear people say things like "that person likes you. you should be careful how you act or he might think you like him back." Before I go pointing fingers at any men, I thought there's something we all need to clear up - men and women.

And I propose that we have two choices.

In scenario A, we could all be so scared of giving people the wrong impression about our interest level, and pretty much avoid talking to people unless we have a particular interest in getting to know them (or making out with them.) In this scenario, it's unlikely that people of the opposite sex will be able to get to know each other very well, so dating would take the role of getting to know the other person more or less from scratch, and who we ask would be based on hearsay and basic attraction. Dating could need to happen more often for people to eventually find a good partner, and the process would need to be more casual, with the expectation that on this date you may very well discover you don't like the other person, or vice versa, or that you're incompatible, and that's totally OK. In this scenario, having high expectations would be unwise as there is huge room for error, but if it were approached casually it could be quite healthy.

In scenario B, we could forget about being afraid and strengthen our communities and acquaintance and friendship groups by being warm and friendly to everyone, despite their gender, reputation, eligibility, or looks. If we could all learn to be friendly and open, we would make many more friends, learn to understand people from a variety of different backgrounds, and when we developed a romantic interest in someone it would be more informed. We might also discover we could be attracted to someone quite different to what we anticipated, because even though they have brown hair, not red, and not a very well-developed six-pack, they're smart, funny and caring which makes you realise they're pretty decent looking anyway. In this scenario however, a date may be a more formal process with more at stake.

I think a lot of the problems we have with dating are based on confusion about whether we need to know or be attracted to someone before we go on a date, and what the other person asking us in a date means. Come on single people! Cast your vote, let's come to an agreement so we all know what's what!

This post doesn't come from a place of preaching, but has come about from thinking about some of the mistakes I have made myself.

Vote below in the comments section!

Tales of a Modern Hippie

I have been meaning to write this post for some time now.
It is a fairly well-known fact that my best asset is my hair. While I think I won the gene-pool jackpot on this one (thanks Dad... Na nanana naaa to my siblings), people often ask me what I wash it with. Then I tell them I wash my hair like a hippie.

Two out of three days I wash my hair with vinegar and bi carb! On the third day I wash with Sukin organic shampoo and conditioner.
The upsides of this process are that you save money, it's a bit better for the environment and your drains, but most importantly for me it stops buildup on the scalp which was causing yuckness, and I was getting pimples on my back which have all but gone away. It's actually really hard to get all that luscious conditioner off your skin! Another upside is I find my hair is far less knotty when washing this way as the oils aren't stripped out of your hair as with shampoo, they are more absorbed and then balanced.

First step - wet hair, then rinse hair with maybe 30-40ml white vinegar in the bottom of a cup, topped up with water. Rinse again with water.

Second step - put about 4 heaped teaspoons (more if you have big head - ha - or your hair is really super yuck dirty) in another cup and then put just enough water in to make a thick paste (not chalky still but not runny. If it's too runny it just runs away from you!). Apply this paste to your scalp and any dirty parts of hair. If it's not ages since you washed I find you don't need to cover every square millimetre of your scalp, but you MUST get all the way around your hair line and part (that's where it'll be obvious if you missed a spot). I find, with 4 teaspoons, I usually have some left to do some other patches. Massage the paste into your scalp focusing on those same areas. Rinse.

Third step - dilute 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in one cup of water and pour through hair. Rinse well.

Step four - once hair is dry, make sure you brush it otherwise it can clump together a bit funny. This will be worse if you don't dilute your apple cider vinegar enough. You can even try just using a spray bottle to apply it so you get less on.

Well folks, I don't know if this would work well for people with less agreeable hair than I have, and I definitely wouldn't use it on hair that's been dyed dark (hairdressers use bi carb to strip buildup and excess colour sometimes) and if in doubt find a hippie hairdresser or a hippie who does dye (I don't anymore) and ask them. But apparently washing your hair this way isn't super unusual, and if you're poor or have clogged skin it's certainly worth a try!

For people who think a lady needs to be high-maintenance - take THAT!