The power of life and death...

Yesterday morning, Boxing Day, as I was busily getting ready for my extended family to join us for our annual Christmas celebrations, I had to remind myself several times 'you have to stop and write a card for Claire'.

My cousin Claire and I have been close friends for a few years now. I had bought her a gift that I hoped fit her taste! (and met her requests), but it was difficult to wrap so I left it till last - till I had run out of gift cards. It was under the Christmas tree wrapped but with no card. With just enough time, I managed to convince my mum to give me a card from her special card-making-ideas stash and write a note - in the minute as my cousins, aunt and uncle arrived - without them seeing or wondering why I was taking too much time to come and greet them! You see, this card was important because Claire's primary love language is Words of Affirmation. 

For years, this love language was my lowest-valued. I had learned to take people's unkind remarks like water off a duck's back. I also often said my opinions in exaggerated ways for the theatre of it all, and had a "I didn't mean to hurt you, so it's your problem, not mine" approach to whenever I hurt others with my words. I would also withhold nice comments about people I loved dearly; I instead tried to show them, because actions did indeed speak louder than words to me. See how three common maxims led me so far astray, in my childhood through to my late teens.

The year I turned 19 a close friend began to withdraw from me. I was hurt that they didn't want to spend quality time with me, and because I was hurt, I withdrew from her too. It wasn't until more than a year of strain that everything came to light; I had incorrectly assumed her love language was physical touch, when it was words of affirmation; because of my uncomfortableness with affirming words, my left-handed, backwards and sarcastic compliments had not been understood and had actually been received as insults and attempts to assert my superiority; worst of all, on my part, there were many moments when my friend had hoped I would affirm and encourage her verbally, and I had been silent or even questioned her motives in my investigative manner. In a moment I let go of the "it's not my problem" philosophy and determined it was about time that I learned to speak the love-language of Words of Affirmation.

Since then I have done a lot of soul-searching and learning about love languages; that incident is the reason I am writing about them now: not as an expert but as someone who has failed royally in the past, and probably still does in the present from time to time. Something I learned to do is when I think nice thoughts about someone in my head, as I always have, I now make the effort to speak them out (sometimes in the form of an out-of-the-blue word or even text message, if I am away from the person at the time). I still feel uncomfortable using overly affectionate words or terminology. If I've ever given you "10 points" for something, or said you were "moderately awesome"... I hope you understand that is a serious complement! However, as much as it is hard, I make an effort to tell people who I love, that I love them, no matter what. Generally, I also make a more concerted effort to find out the primary love languages of my friends. I think knowing what makes them feel good is going to significantly help the friendship wheel go round.

And do you know what? I think since I began learning how to speak the language of Words of Affirmation to friends, I have actually grown to value it more myself! I think if I were to be really honest with myself, it is now my second-lowest, not my lowest! (Hehe). For example, a few months ago someone I highly respected gave me a wonderful compliment in front of a bunch of other people. I think I was buzzing for a few days! In the end, most words do not affect whether I feel loved or not, but, none of this has been about me. We need to speak the languages understood by people we love, not only the ones that come naturally to us.

Anyway, on a side note, I think it's interesting how love expressions can cross languages - a card with a nice note is obviously a word of affirmation, but also doubles as a gift (I have always valued written words higher than spoken ones, and I think this explains why). A quality conversation may also include statements that verbally affirm the people involved. Gary Chapman also notes (in a somewhat unexplained way) that people who value Gifts as a expression of love, often also value physical "presence" in addition to presents (haha, get it?) in tough times, which may seem like quality time to a love-language beginner (:the quality is actually not the issue here), or more accurately, an act of service (just a time-consuming, rather than physically demanding). Love expressions need not be interpreted through only one language-lens!

This blog has been a little more personal but I hope my experiences have inspired you to maybe go back and write a card for that person you gave a gift with no words this Christmas, or to say aloud some of the nice things you think. Letting go of ambiguous sarcastic complements was tough for me, but worth it. For some people, words actually speak louder than actions! And for those people, the biblical proverb rings doubly true: "The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit."

Comment below if you have thoughts of stories to share!

ModernLady xox

The gift of thoughtfulness

This is the second installment in my series on love languages!

As Christmas time is approaching, many of you may be wondering what gifts to give people for Christmas. Let me say I do not believe this is something we should take lightly because Gifts is one of the five love languages. It is a valid way of showing our love to people, and it is the main thing that contributes to some peoples' feeling loved and appreciated. I also know many people who rate gifts as their last preference for receiving love and what I have just said may seem alien to you. I think it is great for us to acknowledge how everyone is different, and how those differences are valid. It is also very important that we help those who we love and value to comprehend and receive the value we have for them.

A popular thing to do is to buy a donation to a charity and give the certificate as a gift. While these can be comical (I once gave someone manure for farming in a third world nation!) they can send the wrong message to someone who receives loves through gifts: that you don't know them or care about what they want and need. Also be careful about your motives for doing such things: are you subconsciously judging them as being materialistic or selfish and sticking it to them through this gift?

I think it is GREAT to be generous, especially at a time of year known for excess in the first world. But isn't it better to be generous out of our own money and sacrifice something of our comfort, rather than sacrificing something that could have been used to build up our friends and family? Remember, many people in our communities feel disconnected and unloved, perhaps contributing to, or at least not helping, existing mental health problems. 

If you truly believe your special someone doesn't need anything, a more thoughtful way to go about this might be to ask them (or find out covertly) what their favourite charity or cause is, and make a donation on their behalf towards something they are passionate about. If you simply don't know what to buy, watch and listen; there are clues in your everyday interactions. If you don't spend enough time with the person to have these opportunities, yet you are obliged to buy them a present, perhaps that's a sign that you should be more involved in their life? Swallow your pride and connect.

 In the end asking for gift suggestions isn't that bad either. You still get to be thoughtful in the process of the final selection (unless the request is too specific!) 

If the person you're buying for is a Quality Time primary love receiver, the best thing you can do is buy them an activity you can spend time doing together. 

To conclude, get to know the people in your life who primarily receive love through gifts. Your gift is a tangible expression of your feelings or value for them that will speak much louder than words.

(...funnily enough, the next topic!)

Lost in translation?

I've been soooo busy these last few months that I sadly have not written any blogs.

I'm sure I'll have something to write about food or fashion soon, but as Christmas is drawing near I thought it was timely to talk about love.

Love languages, a concept written about by Gary Chapman (in his multiple best-selling books), is a huge factor, or perhaps the only factor, that determines whether people feel loved. The number of friends a person has, what their family is like, or whether they are in a romantic relationship or not is all secondary; having people in your life who speak your love language is what really affects our feelings.

While I'm not going to try to summarise Chapman's extensive writing on the subject, if you don't know, the 5 languages are Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Not everybody feels loved through all these expressions. I suggest you pick up some of his books if this is all new to you. However, I do think a thing or two is missing from Chapman's books, and more to the point, a lot of information is missing from the basic information which is passed on by word of mouth only by people who may or may not have read the books.

I think a lot of the ins and outs of love languages get lost in translation! Tonight's re-translation is on Quality Time.

Chapman states for someone whose primary way of receiving love is quality time, it is the quality, the meaningfulness, the benefit, the depth of conversation or the enjoyment of the shared activity, that detetmines whether love is felt or not, hence the title of 'quality time' and not just 'time'

However, from my own experiences as someone whose primary love language is quality time, I find a short amount of time with a friend to be incredibly unsatisfying. When someone allocates me an hour between activities I feel like just another thing on their to-do list. And if I haven't seen someone for ages, I take a while to open up to them. I am aware that this might not be the most mature approach but I subconsciously gauge how much someone cares about me by whether they stick around for long enough for me to be forced to tell them something other than the mundane ins and outs of my week (and believe me, telling you what happened in my week or hearing about your activities doesn't do much for the quality of the time, either). 

And, it's not just me: I checked with other quality-time-primary-love-language-people too. The longer there is quality time, it's like the longer the love-tap is turned on, filling us up. I have an unsubstantiated theory that filling multiplies around the 3 hour mark. Or maybe it's that the love matures like a good bottle or red. Some brilliant metaphor definitely to illustrate my hypothesis. 

So, want to make your quality-time-speaking friend feel super loved this Christmas? Give them a chunk of your time longer than 2 hours. Or even a whole day. 10 minutes just doesn't cut it, no matter how hard you are trying.

I hope this information helps you understand and love on your friends a bit more.

Love, S