But that's really what I think it is.
Physical touch is one of the five love languages. It is a valid way of giving and receiving love, and it is not creepy for someone to prefer this language, whether they are male or female, old or young.
However, this is one love language where I see a huge difference in expression between those who rate this language first, to those who rate it second, third or fourth.
What I observe is generally, people whose primary love language is physical touch are often comfortable giving and receiving touch frequently, and from a large variety of people. They seem to be people who will brush you as they reach for something, give pats on the arm, massages and frequent hugs.
Many other people can easily get a reputation for not liking physical touch because they are uncomfortable with such frequent and free touch. While, yes, I'm talking about myself, I have spoken with heaps of other people who feel the same way. They value touch, and rate it (most often) second or third in their love-receiving preferences, but they say to them it is a particularly intimate and personal thing. They need to have established comfort and intimacy before they wish to receive love from others in this way. A touch from someone they do not trust may raise their defences; they may pull away from or avoid touch regularly. I think this qualifier of trust, comfort and intimacy is usually developed through the expression of their primary love language. When someone has fed into them through acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation or gifts, they already feel loved and are happy to express that love further through touch.
So, I guess, just because someone doesn't want to touch you a lot or right now, does not mean they don't value touch. When trust is established, they may actually feel like the connection you have is limited if it doesn't eventually involve touch! We need to be aware of how our friendships develop and realise that over time things change. It is natural, normal and an excellent thing for our relationships, including platonic relationships and even business relationships, to grow in intimacy over time.
Speaking of business relationships, my brother-in-law has been persuaded by my posts and wrote a blog himself on how the five love languages can help you gain the trust and loyalty of your clients! Why don't you check it out here: http://www.tipsforlawyers.com/5-love-languages-effective-marketing-youre-kidding-right/
What should I, as someone who values touch but doesn't feel comfortable with it in all situations, do to build love between myself and someone whose primary love language is touch, when I do not yet feel connected to them? Well, this is something I'd really love to get people comments and feedback on. In a sense, it feels selfish to me that I think "they have to love me in a way I understand before I will love them in a way they understand". Why should I receive before I give?
One thing that is a no-brainer for me is that certain touches are easier to give than others. For example, high-fives are awesome. I use them in my teaching studio regularly to affirm students who I think may value touch. When I have to touch my students to help them find their body alignment or breathing, I often do it with just my fingertips, not my whole hand, so that the touch is gentle, and I always ask permission! I wonder if some people actually find a kiss on the cheek as a greeting less confronting than a hug, because less of the body is in contact? And of course a side-hug can be easier to give than a full hug. So I think we can identify some ways to touch that may freak out those of us who are sensitive to it, a bit less.
Please share your tips on how to connect with a physical-touch-primary-receiver when it doesn't feel natural or easy for the giver by commenting below!
Love, Steph
Thanks for the shout-out MissStephanie! I think physical touch is one of those areas where, unlike gifts or acts of service, they have the potential to be misinterpreted. So, whereas the worst thing that can happen by giving a gift to someone who doesn't value it is a waste of time and effort - "testing out" some physical touch can go horribly horribly wrong.
ReplyDeleteCertainly in a business context physical touch has to be a very cautious exercise...
Great post!
I think you've hit the nail on the head. Of the five love languages suggested in Gary Chapman's book, I would say physical touch would be either my 1st or 2nd most important due to the impact it has on me either positive or negative (ie affectionate hug vs. playful punch in the arm - I hate those!). I find myself placing a high significance on physical touch, but that doesn't make me a touchy-feely person, it makes me much more cautious about touch. At a party where new arrivals are greeted by hugs and kisses I'll be the only person who doesn't follow the greeting protocol! It might make me seem a bit stand-off-ish. But my friendships definitely need to have the right context for touch to be understood correctly - it's just too easy for girls to be misleading, and guys....well I'm not the rough-and-tumble-type.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know how to answer your question of showing value to people who speak this language more than yourself. I guess that's part of why noisy people find friendships with other noisy people and quiet people hang with quiet people - they are already speaking similar languages? In trying to build community between friendship circles and reaching out, however - I don't know, I think physical touch is one of those things that's easily misused, and it's easy to tell when someone is uncomfortable giving physical touch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNpIPqNj_NU
To speak to your discussion point, to borrow a little from Chapman’s book and most teachers that ever lived, sometimes it’s about deliberate practice. It can be a bit uncomfortable, both figuratively and literally, but it works. I’d probably look at one or two less confronting types of touch and deliberately try to use them once a day with very close family or friends for a little while as a starting point. The idea being that if you get used to touching more people more often in non-confronting ways, it won’t be so hard when you decide to deliberately try to find appropriate use touch with people you don’t feel quite so connected to.
ReplyDeleteAn example using cheek kissing: when my family moved to Geneva when I was 16, I was not prepared for the social greeting custom of faire la bise. In Switzerland it’s normally three kisses, too, making it dangerous for newbies! Any time I attended a social function I knew I would likely have to cheek kiss women who I didn’t even know. It was really awkward at first, and I did manage to painfully crash noses with a girl I’d just met on one occasion. But after a while it was fine and I didn’t think anything of it.
As a practical matter, in addition to being far less contact than hugs, cheek kissing is also touch in a far less sensitive area than hugs can be, particularly with women. If it’s not appropriate for me to touch an area with my hands, I would normally avoid a hug (or any form of touch) that risks putting other parts of my body in contact. On the infrequent occasions I hug people, I’ll often bend forward/sideways a lot from the waist and connect with just my shoulders. (Height differential is handy with this, too.)
More broadly, of all the love languages this is the one I feel our culture has warped the most. For a whole lot of reasons, touch between men and women started to be viewed differently, and now it’s flowed on to all sorts of other touch as well to an unhealthy extreme, I think. To take it radically in the other direction, consider that the apostles Paul and Peter call on Christians to greet one another with a kiss five times in the New Testament! (Rom 16:16, 1 Cor 16:20, 2 Cor 13:12, 1 The 5:26 & 1 Pet 5:13) We may not be comfortable with that individually or as a society, but I think it illustrates that using touch to communicate love with people is entirely biblical.
It’s a bit challenging as a single living out of home, or as any person living in a family that doesn’t touch much, too; the only physical touch I can remember today was accidentally bumping into someone. When we’re starved of touch I suppose it’s a lot easier to read too much into things.
Paul, you make some great points. I think we are unhealthily hesitant to show love this way. And I also agree that when we are starved of affection things get messy. Thanks for your input!
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